Face Off with a Brownie

How has the week gone for you? Did anyone else do the chocolate cake practice from last week? I took my chocolate cake seriously this week! I made it through most of the day on Monday having made positive mindful choices about eating, but when tea o'clock hit (around 3-4 PM I change from a normal person into a ravaging beast, craving caffeine, sugar, chocolate or the like) I glanced at the banana sitting on my desk and decided to head to the kitchen for a cup of tea instead. There in the staff kitchen was a home made chocolate cake glistening in the sun (okay maybe the glistening was from my taste buds rather than the sun). Aha, I thought! If I have a piece of cake I can do my Buddha At My Table practice for the week! I thought about cutting a thick slice but instead cut a thin one and placed it on a plate. My mouth watered and my tummy grumbled as I walked back to my desk, but it was my mind that was most active! That cake tasted amazing before I even stuck a fork into it. My mind created the most delicious item it could dream up! I sunk a fork into the chocolately goodness and took a bite. Yum. I chewed slowly. Hmm, good, but not as delicious  as I had been expecting. Throughout the next few bites I realised that the cake was actually a bit dry, tasty but dry. I let the creamy frosting linger on my tongue, but the experience ended quickly. Even though it did not live up to the cake my mind had projected onto it, I immediately thought of having a second piece. My mind was somehow still stuck on the projection, thinking if I were to have another piece maybe it would live up to expectations. Maybe it would satisfy me. I refrained from having another piece but it was interesting to see how my mind of attachment saw the chocolate cake as inherently blissful even though evidence proved otherwise.

The next day I was facing a three hour afternoon meeting and thought a big cup of strong tea (perhaps with some sugar) might help me make it through. I headed to a local cafe for a chai and saw a row of beautifully wrapped chocolate brownies. Without even thinking I ordered one to go. As I put it in my coat pocket I questioned my decision, but rationalised it by deciding I could use it for more practice. The brownie stayed in my pocket through the meeting. I offered it to a coworker but he declined. He wasn't really in the mood for chocolate cake today. Strangely neither was I. When I returned to my desk I placed the brownie behind my keyboard. I wasn't hungry but it sat there staring at me, beckoning me to eat it. I resisted the temptation and decided to see how long I could keep my attachment at bay. I was having a face off with a brownie! How long could I resist?

The brownie returned to my coat pocket when I left work and was forgotten in the busyness of the evening. I found it again mid-morning the following day as I walked from one meeting to another. I imagined pulling it out of my pocket, unwrapping it, scarfing it down quickly before I made it to my destination, like an addict secretly dosing up. That mental image was enough to stop me from indulging. I was hungry though. When I arrived at my destination I sat down at a table and nibbled on some healthy sort of hippie dippy crackers made of whole wheat, sunflower seeds and chia instead. A coworker offered me a cup of soup and I accepted. An early lunch, much better choice than a brownie, I thought.

The brownie continued to rest in my pocket, but by 2 PM I was thinking of food again. I didn't feel like eating lunch since I had already had the soup and crackers earlier and I had limited time to prepare a snack due to another meeting (yes my life is one meeting after another these days!), so I again contemplated the brownie. This time I gave in and unwrapped it in a hurry. I chomped off a large bite sending crumbs cascading down my chin and onto my desk, lap and everywhere. At exactly the same moment a coworker appeared at my side. He commented on the big bite and I turned a bright shade of red. I was caught in a moment of pure attachment, a moment without mindfulness. I was horrified, but not enough to stop eating. After all, I had a meeting with my manager in a few minutes! The brownie was soft and gooey and oh so chocolatey. I tried to eat more daintily as I reviewed project status with my coworker, but I kept eating. As I swallowed the last bite, I swigged down the rest of my herbal tea, spilling again. I felt slovenly as I wiped my chin and hurried off to my meeting. Enough with the chocolate cake I thought!! But removing chocolate cake (and brownies obviously) from my diet isn't going to solve the problem. Exploring my attachment for it will be far more useful. Why do I find it so appealing? I must be thinking that this cake will make me happy, that it has the ability to do so, that it is inherently delicious! Is it? What would happen if I ate the whole chocolate cake? Would it still be as appealing? Probably not. It would likely make me feel ill, and bring out repulsion rather than desire. The cake itself doesn't inherently hold deliciousness within it. In fact for some it may cause an allergic reaction. If it was inherently delicious it would always be so. The attractiveness applied to it is of my own mind's making.

So what do we do with the attachment? Here is a short video of Venerable Thubten Chodron teaching on the antidotes to attachment. Want more on attachment? Ven Chodron does a short teaching every morning called "Bodhisattva Breakfast Corner" and the series from 14-18 April 2011 was on attachment as a flood. A great description! Here is the first one. You should be able to find the other four on the same Youtube page.

Practice:  What is your favourite food? Shall we try some while examining where the attractiveness lies? Are you disappointed by it when it doesn't live up to expectations? What happens if you eat more and more and more? Does the level of attractiveness change? Let's try to recognise how it's attractiveness come from our minds rather than from the object itself.

Have a great week!

Metta,

Dharma Mama.